I wrote this post sometime early previous week, but wasn’t sure if I should be publishing it. I needed some time before I did that. And I am doing it today in a whim because I am tired of being scared / unsure of doing / not doing something that needs to be done.
This post is slightly emotional, very personal and talks about my depressing and troubled times. The only time I think I will do it and the only reason I did this is to give my thanks to the author of the book that helped me in a way find myself some answers. This is for you Nav. I know I said some time back that I wasn’t ready to tell you the reason why this book was important to me. But then, here I am, trying to pull myself together to get this over with. I think it is time. Strangely, when I completed writing this below text, I felt at peace and was calm. I did neither have tears nor heart ache. I hope that is a sign of something good. There have been some books, which has had some emotional connection to me, but I could never let the author know how much I appreciate their words. But in this case, I am glad I got a chance. And I am glad I used that chance.
Do you believe in coincidences ?
Do you believe that everything happens for a reason ?
Do you believe in signs ?
I do , I believe in all of the above. There is no logical reasoning even though I am a Software Engineer and I ‘should’ be always relying on Logic. But If had to have logic for everything I would never love the life I live because I would be missing the experience of seeing or experiencing them with admiration or even wonder.
There was no logic in the way this woman who believed in romance and love but never to have them as part of her life, fell in love with someone so hard that most people around her thought she had gone blind by love. That doesn’t mean she left her practical nature and was all mushy. Nope. She did get good grades, she did get a job, she did go to different cities to work and be on her own. She wasn’t confident, she never was, but she knew how to adapt and survive with her limited capabilities. She had a family to support in their new endeavors. She became their backbone for sometime. But she also had another person to love and support. A person who had her utmost confidence because he was there to help her when she was down. To give her support in her new journey. But then he had to leave her on her own to take care of his growth, but still having her in his sights. She did not believe that she had come that far, but there she was. But things weren’t hunky dory. She wasn’t without faults. But her faults and her presumed faults became the comfort for the other half. She was as naive, emotional and believing in many areas of life as she was practical, street smart and friendly in others. She had good friends but they drifted away from her because they thought that she wasn’t with the right person and for some reason she felt that they did her lover injustice. She knew his faults and his extreme possessive nature which he said was his way of showing his love and tried to comfort him by cutting herself off in many ways, which caused a drift not only in her work life but also in her friend’s circle. The only place she could hold together was her family, because they didn’t know and couldn’t at that time. And there were too many issues between these two people themselves which frequently drifted them apart and a blame session and an acceptance of the blame from her brought them together.
After almost 6 years in to the relationship, she started questioning. See, she was getting matured and she was getting more reading done, talking to friends about her life who were left with her. There were some strong women in her life who were her friends and they simply refused to let her deal on her own. They didn’t force her because they knew that there was a force behind her which would pull her away from them the moment they tried to do that. They let her be. But made her see what she was missing in her life. The more she started questioning , the more confused she became. The more she went to her lover to find the answers , as she had always done, the more the problems grew because it was her fault to be so forward , when she was supposed to the just supportive of him (not even her family). The more the years passed, the more she wasn’t sure about the relationship. She couldn’t name what and why, except that she realized that had already started living two lives. The person whom she was with her friends and away from him was totally different from whom she was with him. She couldn’t figure out the right one among the two. It was like she had some split personality disorder. When the issue of marriage came up, things just blew. Her parents weren’t supportive as were his. Among all the issues that persisted for almost two years, the only thing she knew in her heart was that she cannot lose her family. They were all she had, how much ever she fought them, even though he kept convincing her of how they were totally against her happiness. And finally when they relented she started to see a whole different person in her lover.
The process of marriage sort of made him more aggressive, more condescending. He did not want her family to get involved in her life in any way. Not even in her own wedding. He and his family were the only ones that had the right to claim her as theirs. Thus was his condition. There were too many signs which caused her panic. When she went to him to express her fears and to convey that may be marriage was not the right decision for the moment, she was accused for spoiling his life, now that everyone had come to know of them. 3 hours of his consolation resulted in her feeling guilty of even thinking of spoiling his life and she went head on into the marriage. None of her friends attended it and it was not just the place of the wedding that was too far. When her family refused to give her up, in spite of innumerable humiliations at the hands of him and his family, with the additional support of a legal binding between them, he wanted her to not have any contact with them whatsoever. She was also demanded to not connect with her friends at work. When that was something that he couldn’t control, he demanded that she become housewife and remain at home. He had no problem in using her for his financial gains all those years, but now the fact that her work would keep her out of his control panicked him. When she reasoned and refused to make a decision based on emotions, she was in for a shock. Physical abuse was his only answer to it. Because now that she was his as per religion and law he had the right to discipline her. Something snapped right out of her when it continued for almost 6 to 8 months.
Every attempt (even though she didn’t want them to) by her parents to reason with him and his parents went to deaf ears. She was meek but never weak. She was bound by love (or so she thought) but can never accept violence as answer. When the physical abuse along with emotional abuse increased every day where it threatened her lively hood and her health not to mention her sanity, she wasn’t sure how to proceed. His threats to destroy her certificates so as to not allow her to get a job ever, woke her up. She had put her heart and soul to be where she was. She came from very meager means and had slowly built herself up along with her family. She couldn’t let that go. She smuggled her certificates to office and kept it safe in her friend’s place. And her last attempt to have her parents resolve it for her, because all her hopes have lost, only left her in the middle of the road with just a few dresses that she had in her bag and was left in the lurch to fend for herself. She practically was homeless one day and she had no other option left than to travel all the way back to her parents again. And she did not see her things for almost 5 years. After being down for almost a month, when he thought that was her punishment, he left for his official tour and gave an ultimatum that if she didn’t come back leaving everything and everyone she would always be alone. What he didn’t know what as much she would go to extremes for her loved ones, she would also bounce back from being pushed down. She restarted her life again, thanks to her job, which she still had with her and then decided to wage a legal battle, which she fought for almost 4 years. His punishment for her to deal with him legally for all the pain he caused her was to not appear in the courts there by delaying the inevitable (a divorce) thus making her lose her precious years after which , according to him no one would ever want her. She wondered if he ever knew her. She never needed anyone in her life until he came. And if her fight for justice and freedom was going to lose her someone in her life, who was yet to come, she hardly cared.
She had her family and her friends who stood by her all through the troubled years, giving her a place to stay, taking turns to cheer her up. She is never one to lie down broken. She never has and she never will. Stubborn and stupid – may be. Determined and strong in will power – definitely. All she needed was that little support from her loved ones, which she was always blessed with. But you see, even after everything was settled and she was legally free from him after almost 5 years of struggle and building her life and sanity back bit by bit, she did not have the answers to some questions. Why did she even believe everything he said and did, even when everyone else questioned it. When did she stop questioning him and started doing and even thinking what he wanted her to think and do. When everyone thought of her and even her past record says that she is the practical , may not be life smart but definitely street smart to handle herself during difficult times, a hardworker, a good and loyal friend, she got into a situation where she was abused for almost a year before even she thought of getting out of it and that too with a lot of help. Why couldn’t see anything clearly when she was with him, but when she was away she had her doubts (There was no living together in this relationship. She always stayed in her hostel, even if she met him after work and on weekends) She kept asking this question to everyone she knew. Their only answer was that he was a jerk or a manic and he needed medical help.
But that explained only his behavior. What about hers. She was in a much better place, but the questions remained. Coincidentally as part of her blogging she stumbled upon a blogger and friend who was writing a non-fiction as part of his fight against the injustice meted out to him. She doesn’t do non-fiction (as is evident from the other posts related to books). But something told her to take this up. She wasn’t sure if she would even finish it, but she thought it must be for a reason that she was even remotely interested. Boy, was she glad that she did. She got her answer and for that she will always be grateful to this author in her life. It liberated her in a different way. How sometimes all it takes a single word and some understanding to liberate you from a dark place. The answer: She was his Mirror.