A word before I even start: Rant-Mode
I would be very happy if I don’t hear of one more death to a family member of someone close to me. What is with all the sudden deaths happening around. First it was my sister’s father in law and yesterday it was very close friend’s father. I am so not good being there during these times. Both of them treated me like their own daughter. But then they were ill for sometime and we knew they were at their last moments, but still when it really happens, it is still a shock isn’t. I was prepared for their departure and may be because of that, I am still OK with it because they are finally at peace. I don’t want anyone suffering the way they did. All that pain….but at least they had enough time to say their good bye’s. How many of us would get that chance. I am glad that they did. But seeing the people who really really lose them like my sister / brother in law, my nephew, my friend, her son…that shatters me more than anything else. The time to get back to reality that this person has long gone and wont be around in the house talking to you…. sometimes I wonder if I am good being on my own. Yesterday when I saw my friend, who has been my support during my toughest times break down like she did, it literally broke my heart. I couldn’t hear her wail, couldn’t see her hugging her dad’s dead body asking him why he left her so soon, why he didn’t fight enough to be with her. I remember something similar that happened when my sister called up to ask me to come home because her father in law , who treated us both like his daughters, passed away.
The kids… It was so difficult for my nephew who wasn’t sure what was happening and was not ready to go to his home because there were too many people and his grandpa was kept in a box. Even when he was staying in our place, he kept asking his mom over phone when his grandpa would be back. It took him a week to realize that isn’t happening. And he stopped asking about it. But it was more worrying because he would go all moody sometimes and we could also see him crying on his own. A 4 year old kid …jeez. how do you explain that this is part of life. That its gonna be OK. That this is how life works. He was ready to leave everyone and come back with me to my place. It again broke my heart when he was crying his heart out that I am leaving him too to come back to work.
My travels to my home town for the other death for the past two weeks and a death this weekend, I am just tired as hell and I need a day’s sleep. And I have a vacation coming up this Friday and will be away. There is no time to get excited about it. I have been going through so many emotions recently. I can feel my body being so confused as to what to feel or how to deal with the sadness, happiness (one of my friend got engaged), tiredness (too much to do at work), confusion (about a couple of other things I am not ready to talk about now) etc etc.
I wish I had a sleep button on me right now, to just let me sleep and sleep and sleep some more, without worrying about anything or anyone. I guess that is what the vacation is for.