Dead Good Thoughts

In the recent times, we have watched some documentaries or series which are based on pensioners, most of them popular. Hard to Please OAP’s, The Real Marigold on Tour are some of them. Don’t ask me why. It is one of those things that you unconsciously start doing without realizing that you are turning into a pensioner or simply getting old.

Now, without digressing anymore let me tell you about this series that we watched. Miriam’s Dead Good Adventures. I am not sure how many of you will be able to watch this series, but I am glad I got the opportunity to watch it. Death is not a favourite topic of conversation. Even though it is an essential one, it is very difficult to bring it up conversationally and be able to talk about it freely. We feel like we are jinxing ourselves. That is why I am glad to see this 2 episode series.

In this Miriam tries to confront her fear of death and attempts a few things that are being done in different places to help her with that. She also talks to a few people who have had a brush with death or who are close to the edge. There are lot of things that are covered in these episodes, but I was glad that my doubts were also discussed.

I have never been afraid of death. I am afraid of not being able to function to my full capability but never about death. I have had two schools of thought and I keep changing from one to other at various times. Do I like to have some time before my death or do I want to have a quick and speedy death?

I am a planner. I like planning stuff and getting it done and ticking the items on the list and feeling happy about it. I am not manic about it, but I like it. I like to see that I have sorted my affairs without causing much trouble for others. So, for very long I have been in favor of having some time before my death so that I can sort out my affairs, make sure my folks know my laptop and account passwords, they know what I have written on my will and how it has to be executed, where do I want my ash spread (I want to be cremated after donating as much of my well-functioning organs) etc. etc.

Now for that I would have to either know my time of death (through astrology probably or some other magical means), or be given a time range because of some incurable disease. Now that throws up a question. It is not very easy to predict someone’s death time (even though I have heard that astrology can help you with that), and the other option means that I would be suffering an incurable disease. The fact that the disease is incurable or it is in a stage where it is incurable means that it is going to be a lot more painful that my monthly periods and that is something I hate. I hate my menstrual cramps. Anything else I can bear. Would I want to suffer that pain?

When I think in those lines, I move towards the other option. Wouldn’t it be great to just drop dead and not feel anything? Let the others who are left behind deal with what is left of me, because I wouldn’t know or care after I am dead, would I? Now just thinking about this makes me feel not want to choose this option. I get very tetchy when I don’t set out what I want after death, but again would I even know if my wishes were fulfilled once I am dead? Would my soul hover around those to whom I have given the list of things to do and haunt them until they do it? Since I don’t know about that, there is no point in me actually taking time to sort things out isn’t.

Now the whole post went in to a rant mode didn’t it? You see what I mean when I say I am not very sure of how I want it to be? Of course, at the end, I might not have a choice at all, as is mostly the case. Would I give up and ask them to pull the plug? I might. Depends on what the situation is. But having let my thought process out and wondering what my next option on that would be, I know that deep down I would love to have a little bit of time at least to say goodbye to the people I love, one last time. Would I have enough of good karma to have that time? Only time will tell.

RIP

The first week of school. Good, God! What a week. I can feel the pressure on my neck which has been bothering me the whole week. We were all excited for the week to begin. I had all my lesson plans ready. Attended the Fire Marshall Training and completed the course and now I am a Fire Marshall for my school (yay!) The day arrived and just before the classes were about to start we get a horrible news that one of our students, a very lovely and well-loved boy, died the previous night in a freak accident. It was so surreal. I can still feel my surprise at the staff meeting. Looking at the crying faces of some of the teachers, I am wondering what is this. Are they serious? The boy who had read the article I had posted in the Classroom portal and responded just a couple of days before school that he enjoyed the article and looking forward to knowing more about it. The student who did very well in my subject and whom I thought can be a very good candidate for GCSE in Computing. I tell you, that day was a terrible day. We had to mobilize for some child psychiatrist and psychologists so that they can help the kids and the teachers deal with their loss. His friends were devastated. It wasn’t easy at all. A week has gone by and still, people are struggling. At least the students and friends are slowly accepting the fact that they won’t be seeing him anymore.

We can only imagine what their parents are going through. Some kids have written some poems, eulogies, etc to be given to his parents. We are waiting until they are ready to receive it. Will they ever be ready? Death is something I always find it hard to handle. This one hit a little too close to home. I haven’t been to the school for too long, but there are teachers who have been teaching him for years and I can’t even imagine what they feel like. All I can think of now is: I am glad to have known him even if it was only for a very short time and may his dear soul rest in peace!

Loved this short video on death

RIP Prof. Snape

Contains spoilers from Harry Potter series.

In the end…

I am currently reading the book ‘Career of Evil’ (Coromoran Strike 3 ) and there was this scene where Strike is contemplating about death. It is actually a scene where in some folks celebrate the death of a fellow friend in a way they deem fit for him. They drink, they sing a song which talks about their school days etc. Here in my place, when someone dies, they take a procession with song, dance etc…to the crematorium. I used to wonder why this big fan fare? But now, I think its not about the death, its more about celebrating a life that was well lived.

It did not make me melancholic or anything, but reminded me of a poem I love and have mentioned the same quite a few times in this blog. It’s written by Kamala Das. Here it is again, for all the new readers.

When I die
Do not throw the meat and bones away
But pile them up
And let them tell
By their smell
What life was worth
On this earth
What love was worth

It might seem very dark, but for some reason this has been my favorite poem since college. Something about the way the death wish is conveyed in a very crude , cruel and yet very honest way made me remember these lines for all these years. I got to read another one of hers recently, which is totally on the other side of the previous one. I like this one too. I guess based on my mood, I might select one or the other to recite 🙂

I cannot fold
my wayward limbs to crawl into
coffins of religions.
I shall die, I know,
but only when I tire of love;
tire of life and laughter.
Then fling me into a pit
six feet by two,
do not bother to leave
any epitaph for me.

Right now, my mood is leaning towards the second one.

This got me thinking. In our religion, we cremate the bodies. I wish mine to be done in a electric crematorium and done within a few seconds. I don’t care where my ashes go. Can human ashes be good fertilizers ? Apart from how my body transforms, as a soul, how do I want to be known when I leave this world in search of a better place? Do I want to be known at all? I wouldn’t be honest if I said ‘No’. I do want to be known. I do want to be remembered. But not because I did something good, not because I did something effective…simply put, not because of something I did, but because of who I was. All I wish for is a single smile when my soul flies, acknowledging a soul who loved and was loved and wishing me good luck on my next journey.