Everything is changing

Hell down, heaven down
Livin’ in the same town
Tryna find something new
Broken picture frame
I’ve been frozen in
Tryna find a better view

This ain’t real, this ain’t cool
This ain’t what I signed up to
This ain’t right, it’s no good
No good, oh

Everything is changing,
And I’ve been here for too long
Going through the same things
I’ve been hurting too long,
Got to move on
Say I-I-I-I can’t do this anymore
If everything is changing
And I know, yeah, you gotta let go

…

I don’t understand playing by the same hand
How you find something new
I can’t work it out what it’s all about
I won’t live my life through you

…

I’ve been here for too long

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The above song and its lyrics were part of a post I created close to 2 years ago but it did not see the light of the day for some reason. It resonated how I was feeling at that time and maybe I thought it was too personal to share… I don’t exactly remember why I didn’t publish it. I remember playing that song again and again and again. I remember thinking my life was like a bag of frozen peas. I was in no way unhappy. I was content, I was enjoying life. But there was this feeling of me not moving on, even though I moved on from my previous marriage. I traveled far and wide, loved my gym and the workouts, had great fun spoiling my nieces and nephews…But you get a feeling that I was still holding back. From what? I couldn’t figure out. But that was OK. I have a great support system (family and friends) and I couldn’t ask for anything better.

Last year I decided to not play the same hand and try something new. First time ever in my life, I tried dating. It was interesting, having never done such a thing before. Then in a few months, I found someone. He isn’t Indian, but he is more Indian than me in so many ways (sometimes annoyingly so 😀 ). Does that even matter? Nope. But the time and distance mattered. He lives in London (hence my London visit this year) and the daylight savings weren’t helping us either. When he came down to Bangalore last year to meet personally for the first time, it didn’t feel awkward. On the contrary, it was like meeting a long time friend. I told him when we had started talking earlier that if I can’t be friends with him, then it wouldn’t work. I quoted Friedrich Nietzsche to him: ‘It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages’. Slowly, things started falling into place once we started to get to know each other.

We got married a couple of months ago, which leads to the current move. After the hassles of preparing the documents (which almost weighed 2 kgs and took almost 3 months of preparation) and submitting the visa, attending the interview and waiting with abated breath for the results, I got my visa end of last month. Since then my days has just been filled with goodbyes, packing, more goodbyes, and more packing. I never realized that I knew so many people and so many of them cared about me. It is slightly overwhelming. My maid, even though happy that I got ‘settled down and ain’t single no more’, wasn’t really ready to let me go. She had tears when I told her the news. She was a pseudo-mom to me all these years and I respect her a lot. Today she was asking if I would forget her once I move away. I had to assure her that I wouldn’t.

I thought that my move wouldn’t be a big deal and hardly anyone will notice. But the reality was very different. I had to spend a lot of time explaining to my nieces and nephew why I had to move and none of them were happy about it. My mom had enough time to prepare herself for this and given that I am the only child of hers who is going to be staying so far away, she is both happy and sad. Happy that she can boast to her friends that her daughter lives abroad (sometimes I don’t understand why that is a big deal…is it because of the age-old belief that if you are living abroad, you are living a better life? FYI: that isn’t true. It is just a myth) and sad that I won’t be able to meet her whenever she / I feel like.

I am totally exhausted, now that all the packing and cleaning is done. I have got my flight tomorrow and might be off the grid for a few days until I get to my unpacking, once I reach London. Everything is changing and this is the next step of another phase of my life along with a partner, who is all the more happy to give me a helping hand 😉

So yeah, I will catch up with you all again from a different country and a different city. Until then, take care, happy blogging and be safe 🙂

 

In the end…

I am currently reading the book ‘Career of Evil’ (Coromoran Strike 3 ) and there was this scene where Strike is contemplating about death. It is actually a scene where in some folks celebrate the death of a fellow friend in a way they deem fit for him. They drink, they sing a song which talks about their school days etc. Here in my place, when someone dies, they take a procession with song, dance etc…to the crematorium. I used to wonder why this big fan fare? But now, I think its not about the death, its more about celebrating a life that was well lived.

It did not make me melancholic or anything, but reminded me of a poem I love and have mentioned the same quite a few times in this blog. It’s written by Kamala Das. Here it is again, for all the new readers.

When I die
Do not throw the meat and bones away
But pile them up
And let them tell
By their smell
What life was worth
On this earth
What love was worth

It might seem very dark, but for some reason this has been my favorite poem since college. Something about the way the death wish is conveyed in a very crude , cruel and yet very honest way made me remember these lines for all these years. I got to read another one of hers recently, which is totally on the other side of the previous one. I like this one too. I guess based on my mood, I might select one or the other to recite 🙂

I cannot fold
my wayward limbs to crawl into
coffins of religions.
I shall die, I know,
but only when I tire of love;
tire of life and laughter.
Then fling me into a pit
six feet by two,
do not bother to leave
any epitaph for me.

Right now, my mood is leaning towards the second one.

This got me thinking. In our religion, we cremate the bodies. I wish mine to be done in a electric crematorium and done within a few seconds. I don’t care where my ashes go. Can human ashes be good fertilizers ? Apart from how my body transforms, as a soul, how do I want to be known when I leave this world in search of a better place? Do I want to be known at all? I wouldn’t be honest if I said ‘No’. I do want to be known. I do want to be remembered. But not because I did something good, not because I did something effective…simply put, not because of something I did, but because of who I was. All I wish for is a single smile when my soul flies, acknowledging a soul who loved and was loved and wishing me good luck on my next journey.

Tuesday Tunes

Who wrote the book on goodbye?
There’s never been a way to make this easy
When there’s nothing quite wrong but it don’t feel right
Either your head or your heart, you set the other on fire

auf Wiedersehen

What a coincidence, that this week’s Sylvain Landry’s theme should be about Memories. I was wondering what to do for a friend who is leaving us and this country for better opportunities and here is a chance. We friends started travelling together a couple of years ago, but he joined us in our travels since this year. So far he has been to 2 trips and four places with us which includes a local and a foreign trip and I sincerely hope that he enjoyed travelling with this crazy bunch, not to mention we enjoyed his craziness too (which is equivalent to sum of the rest of ours 😛 )

I don’t think he will appreciate me writing some nice words and all, so I will skip all that and not embarrass him. But dear Logan (original name changed and this name is used as a result of an inside joke) here is a collage in memory of all the places we have been to. I made sure to add that particular sunset in Tanah Lot you wanted me to capture. And hope that you join us in the future travels too.

PS: Places in clock wise direction: Chikmagalur, Belur, Bali, AngkorWat

Wishing you all the good luck in your future endeavors and wishing you some exciting experiences. May your life get more crazier and more happier.

I wanted to end it with this 😉

Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty. I say ‘Are you going to drink that?

Fancy that

When I heard it on the online radio, this was an instant like. Be it the beats, the lyrics, the music….And then I checked out the video (as I always do) and found that they have three videos for the same song, with the same theme. Loved the theme of the video’s too. Very well done.

All the mystery on who the vocalist is….!!!! Who ever it is, its a beautiful song and I just love it.

Once we were a fire burning,
Now you’re just a lesson I’m learning
Please believe me, this isn’t easy
I just need to say goodbye,
Goodbye
Goodbye
Losing my mind
Goodbye!