Hell down, heaven down
Livin’ in the same town
Tryna find something new
Broken picture frame
I’ve been frozen in
Tryna find a better view
This ain’t real, this ain’t cool
This ain’t what I signed up to
This ain’t right, it’s no good
No good, oh
Everything is changing,
And I’ve been here for too long
Going through the same things
I’ve been hurting too long,
Got to move on
Say I-I-I-I can’t do this anymore
If everything is changing
And I know, yeah, you gotta let go
I don’t understand playing by the same hand
How you find something new
I can’t work it out what it’s all about
I won’t live my life through you
I’ve been here for too long
The above song and its lyrics were part of a post I created close to 2 years ago but it did not see the light of the day for some reason. It resonated how I was feeling at that time and maybe I thought it was too personal to share… I don’t exactly remember why I didn’t publish it. I remember playing that song again and again and again. I remember thinking my life was like a bag of frozen peas. I was in no way unhappy. I was content, I was enjoying life. But there was this feeling of me not moving on, even though I moved on from my previous marriage. I traveled far and wide, loved my gym and the workouts, had great fun spoiling my nieces and nephews…But you get a feeling that I was still holding back. From what? I couldn’t figure out. But that was OK. I have a great support system (family and friends) and I couldn’t ask for anything better.
Last year I decided to not play the same hand and try something new. First time ever in my life, I tried dating. It was interesting, having never done such a thing before. Then in a few months, I found someone. He isn’t Indian, but he is more Indian than me in so many ways (sometimes annoyingly so 😀 ). Does that even matter? Nope. But the time and distance mattered. He lives in London (hence my London visit this year) and the daylight savings weren’t helping us either. When he came down to Bangalore last year to meet personally for the first time, it didn’t feel awkward. On the contrary, it was like meeting a long time friend. I told him when we had started talking earlier that if I can’t be friends with him, then it wouldn’t work. I quoted Friedrich Nietzsche to him: ‘It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages’. Slowly, things started falling into place once we started to get to know each other.
We got married a couple of months ago, which leads to the current move. After the hassles of preparing the documents (which almost weighed 2 kgs and took almost 3 months of preparation) and submitting the visa, attending the interview and waiting with abated breath for the results, I got my visa end of last month. Since then my days has just been filled with goodbyes, packing, more goodbyes, and more packing. I never realized that I knew so many people and so many of them cared about me. It is slightly overwhelming. My maid, even though happy that I got ‘settled down and ain’t single no more’, wasn’t really ready to let me go. She had tears when I told her the news. She was a pseudo-mom to me all these years and I respect her a lot. Today she was asking if I would forget her once I move away. I had to assure her that I wouldn’t.
I thought that my move wouldn’t be a big deal and hardly anyone will notice. But the reality was very different. I had to spend a lot of time explaining to my nieces and nephew why I had to move and none of them were happy about it. My mom had enough time to prepare herself for this and given that I am the only child of hers who is going to be staying so far away, she is both happy and sad. Happy that she can boast to her friends that her daughter lives abroad (sometimes I don’t understand why that is a big deal…is it because of the age-old belief that if you are living abroad, you are living a better life? FYI: that isn’t true. It is just a myth) and sad that I won’t be able to meet her whenever she / I feel like.
I am totally exhausted, now that all the packing and cleaning is done. I have got my flight tomorrow and might be off the grid for a few days until I get to my unpacking, once I reach London. Everything is changing and this is the next step of another phase of my life along with a partner, who is all the more happy to give me a helping hand 😉
So yeah, I will catch up with you all again from a different country and a different city. Until then, take care, happy blogging and be safe 🙂